I was working with a young person the other day. He was in his twenties and was really struggling with relationships. A young girl whom he had dated for some time and was quite “smitten with” just dumped him out of nowhere (or that was how he chose to perceive it). So, there he was, feeling life was at a loss, he did not know where to go, he started calling himself “unlucky in love”, “unlovable”, even “a loser”…all the “woe is me” languaging that many of us are only way too familiar with as it cycles through our heads and hearts as a human response based on an emotional loss.
Can you relate? Is there some loss in your life (or there may be many for some of you, but for now focus just on one) where you have tracked your thinking along similar lines? We fall into that trap of seemingly no return, and the more the memories are highlighted in our heads, the more forlorn we become. The spiraling sometimes doesn’t seem to want to stop, and typically only goes in one direction which is downward. This pattern of behavior has actually caused a small percentage to actually decide their life is over. And all because of their thinking, which triggered overpowering negative emotions with a horrific end result.
Let’s grapple with a very important concept totally missing in this kind of thinking. First, to think is to create. Our thoughts are truly our choice…but we many times choose to allow our emotions to control them and that is when we go into a state of “default.” In other words, we surrender to our emotions to control our thoughts instead of “being at choice.” I am not suggesting that anytime you lose someone you love whether it be by them breaking up with you, moving across the country, perhaps even through death, we do not feel a loss. Our immediate response is to focus on our feelings and our “loss.” They are no longer in our life and the memories just flood into our head. Beware of being stuck. Make the shift to truly experience a GAIN:
1) Bring into your life all the incredible memories you have and the joy you experienced
2) What did you learn from this person/event that can help to shape your tomorrow
3) Examine your own behavior and see where you can be even better to create better relationships or to honor this person’s legacy in celebration of life.
Frame the LOSS into a GAIN…hard to see how to do that as we are in a highly emotional state, and maybe it will take a day or a few days to cycle through those heavy emotions…but know they are just that, emotions. Avoid giving them a meaning. There are great things to appreciate in every event in our life, and great lessons to learn. If we wallow in misery, loss, “woe is me” attitude, we run a huge risk of wasting away our only limited asset: TIME. Even worse, we program our lives by giving the loss a negative meaning we store in our subconscious…and that my friends can rob from you for life without you recognizing it.
Choose to move ahead with thankfulness for this person in your life, or if you experienced a perceived unfortunate event that happened, from a perspective of “what did I learn /how was my life enriched /how can I use what I learned to make this world a better place?” And for those who felt they “lost in love”, know that love is not something that needs to be searched out, it is merely where you need to come from to attract it.
We are truly at choice…when you understand that, your life will take an incredible turn in creating something new for you.